I just don't know anymore.

Full circle

I've often told the story of how I first knew I wanted to become a doctor. It started with a book, really. I was six years old then, and my mom was pregnant with Monchie. Mom had all these pregnancy books lying around, and being the biblophile that I am (I've loved reading ever since I could read, at the tender age of four), it was almost instinct to pick one up and start browsing through it. And I was fascinated by what I found. It was a different kind of adventure from those in my story books and fairy tales--it was a tour of the human body, specifically that of a pregnant mother's, and it was also a story of the creation of a life, from conception to birth. I was so hooked that even the very graphic pictures of vaginal delivery couldn't keep me from turning page after page. I don't remember what book that was or how many others I read, but Mom told me I read more about pregnancy than she ever did. I was six years old then.

Reading Williams Obstetrics 23rd ed now, at 22 and in medical school, I feel like I've come full circle. I actually resisted buying the book for the first two OB exams because of its price, but I gave in in the end. I've only read a few chapters but I can already say that I don't regret my decision. Not one centavo's worth. Williams is a joy to read, not at all a chore. And not only because of its glossy pages and colored photos that are new to the 23rd edition. For me, it is because it brings back the same feelings I felt at six years old--wonder at the architecture of the human body, specifically the female reproductive tract, and awe at the beauty that is human life. And not to mention, it has also expanded my medical vocabulary quite vastly, with new words like ballotement and puerperium, and of course our class's favorite, violaceous.

I've said before that I would never consider OB-GYN as a specialty, but I'm actually rethinking that now. Because really, OB was my first love, the reason for my desire to go into medicine in the first place. Of course, this is all before I've experienced any duty or rotation in OB, and the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at PGH is legendary for its toxicity. But who knows? For now, I'll just keep reading.

Thief

Why do I feel like you're stealing everything that is MINE. That was mine. This is mine. Get your own!

---end of rant---

Sorry. I promised I'd be more generous this Lent. This was a moment of weakness. Sorry.

And anyway, they do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

A book. :)

Taken from somewhere on deviantart. Sorry I can't remember whose. :(

You see giant proclamations are all very well.
But our love is louder than words.
- Bloc Party

It's true today as it was two Valentine'ses ago. And hopefully, it'll still be after a lifetime of them.

Happy Valentine's Day, love. This year's February 14th was definitely one to remember. Let's remember what we need to and forget what we don't, agreed? :) Remember that I love you and that I'll always be yours. If nothing else, that will suffice.

Tsk.

It was something that I was proud of. Something I was proud to be a part of. Though I wanted to toxic it down to the last semicolon, I knew that we had to take great care to be democratic about it, since it belongs to all of us. Then on the big day, it all changed. I barely recognized it. All after you had your say.

Disappointed? Yes, especially because it was you, whom I've looked up to since day one.

Hurt? I admit, just the teensiest bit. I don't know if I have any right to be, but I am.

Sad though that five years down the road, this might still leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

Benign?

Am I the only one who's overwhelmed with all this free time? Not that I miss the OS subjects or anything; I've been looking forward to the HD series. It's just a shock to my system not having lectures after lunch or classes on Fridays. It's like my mind can't deal with all this time on my hands, so I'm compelled to fill it with whatever I can--Medchoir practices, prayer meetings with Fr. Francis, errands for Phi store, our class oath, group project for HD201, nightly sessions with the Adri Tower 2 treadmill--you name it. Not that all these things didn't need to be done before. It's just that I can't help but do them with a certain level of, um, obsession? Haha. In short, tinotoxic ko sila. Tinotoxic ko sarili ko.

Oh, the irony that is my life as a med student. When I'm drowning in consecutive neuro exams, I dream of the weekend. I dream of summer. But when given some unexpected free time, to relax and revel in benign-ness, I run away, find more stuff to do fill it all up, and end up not benign at all.